Jake

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 03:36:05 GMT

I'm feeling like shit today. What the fuck else is new?
I went out with some friends to a pool hall. It wasn't as fun as it should have been.
I miss my daughter. I miss my old fucking life.
I'd give anything to go back in time like 4 years and just start over with all the knowledge I have now, ya know?
I think everyone wishes they could just go back and do things over again. I wish it were that easy.

As much as I hate her now, I miss my ex. I miss having someone I feel close to. Someone who gets me. Someone to just hold while I fall asleep every night. Someone to talk to. Someone to just get dinner with and watch tv with.
My life is so lonely right now and it sucks ass.

God, I am the most depressing motherfucker on the face of the whole goddamn planet, aren't I?

I need to get out of this funk and actually do something productive with myself. I need to clean my shit up and find someone to share my life with. I need to fond meaning and a purpose in my life.

How do I even begin to start down that road? Where the fuck does one begin to really clean their act up and get their shit together and be someone who contributes to society?

Oh fucking well. I guess tomorrow is a new day and I can then attempt to change a few things.

weird thing I found in someones journal......

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 20:01:08 GMT

boring...

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 19:58:47 GMT

I've had an uneventful day so far.
I've watched some tv, had like three bowls of Lucky Charms, and drank maybe 4 beers already.

Some people are coming over tonight to just hang out and play the playstation and shit. It should be fun, I guess.

Liz called twice. I ignored both calls. Her messages sound angry, so why the fuck would I call her ass back? Does she actually think that bitchy phone messages will cause me to want to return her calls? Stupid bitch!

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 04:29:21 GMT

I went out to a bar and man am I toasted right now..LOL
Liz was there, she ignored me for about an hour, then when she saw some girls talking to my group of people, she came over to me and pulled me aside to "talk". She appologized about how she acted and said she really wanted us to stay close friends.
yeah, whatever. She's a fucking moron anyway. I just didn't want her to feel like she was used, and never said I cared to stay friends. My exact words to her were "After all that shit you said to me earlier, I have no desire to stay friends with you"....she got upset and cried like most stupid bitches do and she went back to her group of people.
Its over with, thats all I care about. I don't have the guilt weighing me down anymore.
so thats it, I just wanted to write that frustrating shit down before I crash.

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 01:02:43 GMT

I had sort of a shitty day.
Liz came over last night. We had sex and then afterward she said "we need to talk".
I thaught "oh shit", I fucking hate it when girls say that, so naturally I went into hyper asshole mode with her.

She started talking about some shit about how we've known each other for a while and how we've spent so much time together and such. She said something about how she loved our "relationship", but that she was wanting more out of life.
So I told her that I didn't want to be anyones boyfriend and that if she felt that way she should stop hanging out with me and find someone willing to commit to her.
Well, she freaked the fuck out on me and went on and on about how she feels like I "toyed with her emotions".
What the fuck?!!??!?!?!
I never once told her I had feelings for her, I even referred to her as my "fuck buddy" on several occasions, so why the hell is she all of a sudden shocked that I don't want to date her? Why is she freaking out and saying I used her and shit?
I swear to god, girls are fucking insane when it comes to shit like this.
I know I didn't tell her I had feelings. I know this because I reminded her that what we were doing was just sex, nothing more. I fucking told her that like everytime before we did it.
GOD!!!
Women drive me crazy.

So anyway, she freaked out on me. Broke the mirror in my bedroom and stormed out of here.

I feel aweful. I hate hurting people, though it seems to be something I'm really good at. Too bad I can't get paid for it, right?

So all day today I've been trying to call her and I've left like a million messages on her phone and with her roomate.
I don't know how to fix this other than tell her I want a relationship...which I definately do not.

I must have smoked like 6 joints today, but they did nothing for me cause I"m so fucking messed up from the Liz shit. what a fucking waste of money.

yeah, so I had a shitty day.
Women drive me crazy.
Drugs are very bad and rather pointless when it comes right down to it and I'm bored.

the end

First entry

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 23:20:08 GMT

God its been years since I've written in an online journal.
I stopped because life got way too hectic and dramatic, but friends are encouraging me to start anew, and to find an outlet for my problems other than drinking and drugs.
This is where this journal comes into play.
Man, I don't know even where to begin to record everything thats happened to me in the last few years. Life has majorly sucked ass and I've failed at every attempt to fix it.

I was married. I'm now in the middle of an ugly divorce.
I had a daughter. She has been taken away from me forever. Her mom claims I was never the dad. Whether or not this is the case, I love that little girl with all of my heart and not having her here with me kills a little piece of me everyday.
I had loving, supportive parents. They basically disowned me because of all the wrong choices I've made.

I'm alone now.

I have a few good friends...well ok friends. They come around when they want to hang out and drink or whatnot.
I've become a terrible person and I know it. I can see it in my owns eyes when I look in the mirror. I can feel it with every breathe I take. I'm no good, but I'm doing what I can to make my life atleast somewhat good again.

I'm not sure that this journal will be read by anyone but me, but just incase someone happens to come across it.....
My name is Jake. I'm 24. Divorced(almost).A dad(kind of). I don't really have goals or interests anymore. I live off inhereted money. I drink everyday and I have a drug addiction.
lol, this is starting to sound like an AA meeting.
I'm one lonely motherfucker, to put it nicely.

Yeah, so I was telling this girl I'm talking to about how I used to write in a journal like this. I told her how it used to help me alot when I was younger and much more confused about life. She encouraged me to start one up again. Its already helping, I think.
This girl I'm talking to, her name is Liz. I met her at a bar. She's kinda slutty. Yeah, I said it, its true. We've been "friends" for about a month. She's fun to hang out with and such.
She has no substance. She's shallow and stupid. She only thinks of herself and she lies. lol, she's a keeper, I think.
I don't know why I hang out with her. I know she'll do nothing good for me, but its like I'm addicted to the sex, or the drugs or maybe all the drinking we do together. Honestly, I think I hate her as a human being, but I love all the bad things she brings into my life. It doesn't make sense at all, does it?
Oh fucking well. I'm too affraid of being completely alone to dump her, or end our "friendship" or whatever it is we have going on.

My ex....yeah, lets talk about her.
She cheated on me, A LOT.
She cheated on me while we were dating, when we got engaged, after we got married and even after we split up, but hadn't yet filed for divorce.
I hate her.
She ruined my life completely.
I used to be a good kid. I used to be in school and made perfect grades. I used to be a mamma's boy. I used to play sports and attended church three times a week.I used to swear I would never have premarital sex. I used to never curse or smoke or drink and I looked down on people that did. I used to have a lot of love in my life. I used to be everything I wish I was now.
Its depressing.

But, I'm attempting to start over. I've moved into a nice appartment. I've been attempting to talk to my parents. But they can still see all the bad in me and it doesn't seem as if they care to talk to me anymore, but I'm going to keep trying. I need them.
I'm going to try and make this journal my emotional outlet, rather than turning to drinking and drugs.

God, all of that is easier to type out than actually do.
Life sucks, and thats an understatement.

LiveJournal Clue! Who murdered you?
LJ Username
It was	miss_complexity
Partner in crime	fixergirl
In the	Kitchen
With the	Knife
Their motive	You placed a bid for Elian Gonzalez on eBay
They will get caught	FALSE

This fun quiz by apster - Taken 1476 Times. </a>